Honey's Kingdoms
by Tanith Panic
Summary: Honey falls asleep at her counter one day and finds herself in a strange land. Includes several members of the Casualty staff, plus one or two O/C characters.
1. Chapter 1

HONEY'S KINGDOMS

I tried writing a crossover story called Honey's Kingdom, which was a crossover between Casualty and Kingdom Hospital, but it didn't quite work out. So this time around Honey's dream takes her to the world of fairy tales. Lots of Casualty characters and some O/C ones.

Honey was exhausted. Her other job as a pole dancer had taken its toll on her and she found it hard to keep awake today. Nobody seemed to be wanting her coffee at the moment, so she leant her head on her arms, just intending to have five minutes' sleep.

She suddenly realised she was in a very strange place. A deep, dark forest where the ground was covered in light snow.

"You! Young lady! Get out of this forest, for goodness sake! Don't you know the Wolf prowls at night?"

Honey looked up to see a handsome man in his mid-thirties looking angrily at her.

"I-I don't know where to go. I'm lost!" she wailed.

"Well, where are you from? This is the forest between Passionara and Morcara."

"I'm from England" wailed Honey.

"Where is that?"

Suddenly a howling made Honey's hair stand on end.

"Come on!" the man said angrily, grabbing Honey's hand, "You'd better come to my cottage for shelter."

Honey decided that going to a cottage with a strange man was a little less frightening than being in a forest with a roaming wolf.

"Thank you. What's your name?"

"Hide."

"Yes, you said that 'cause the wolf's coming!"

"No, my name is David Hide. Hurry now!"

They hurried along until they reached a moss-covered cottage. David opened the door and pulled Honey inside, locking and bolting the door after her.

"You can stay tonight, but tomorrow you must go back to England, wherever that might be. Don't worry, wench, I'll not harm you. I'll even share my supper with you."

"AwOOOOOOOOOO…..!" came the noise from outside.

"Was that the wolf?" asked Honey nervously.

David nodded.

"Don't fret. He can't get in here."

Honey put her hands out to the lovely warm fire.

"So what's them places you were talking about?"

"Just a moment. Let's eat and get warm first, then we'll talk."

After a quite delicious meal of bread, cheese and soup with fresh fruit to follow, and the nicest ale Honey had ever tasted, David explained.

"To the east of the forest is Passionara, ruled over by Prince Caleb. He's currently abroad, searching for a bride. To the west is Morcara, ruled over by Queen Constance. Not a very forgiving lady. She's recently lost her husband and has a very pretty stepdaughter, Lily White. From what I hear, Lily's badly treated and has to do all the menial jobs. There's also a notorious set of bandits – seven of them altogether – that live in Morcara."

A frantic hammering on the door made David jump. He shrugged and shouted through the door:

"Who's there?"

"Please, PLEASE let me in! The wolf's out there tonight."

"Baby Bear, have you been playing out for too long again? Your poor parents will be going frantic!"

David opened the door and to Honey's terror, a little black bear cub ran in and sat by the fire.

"You're a bad little bear. Now I'll have to take you home again. I hope your mum and dad smack your bottom hard when you get there" grumbled David.

He turned to Honey.

"I'll have to get him home. His parents will be worried. Will you stay and guard this cottage for me till I come back? Don't open the door to anybody."

"Will you be safe out there, though? With that wolf?"

"Don't worry about me, little wench. I've got this!"

He took down a lethal-looking crossbow from the wall. Then he gave Baby Bear a cuff on the ear, and the small animal followed him dejectedly outside. Honey sat by the fire, praying that David wouldn't be gone too long. She didn't like the thought of that wolf.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door.

"New lamps for old! New lamps for old!" said an Oriental accent.

"WHAT?" snapped Honey rudely.

"Oh sorry, Madam. I appear to have completely lost my bearings – I'm in another story altogether!"

And the voice faded off into the night.

It was about this time that a handsome peasant called Benjamin ventured out to make his mark on the world. He looked at the map he'd brought with him and surveyed his choices. Sadly, he chose Morcara.

Way up in the frozen North, King Brian was throwing a tantrum.

"Dylan! Come here, you useless brat of mine!"

The 'brat', a sandy-haired man in his thirties, came into the room and bowed.

"What is your will, father?"

"That you get your backside out into the world. Find a bride and don't come back without one!"

I don't want a bride, thought Dylan unhappily but knew his father would never accept that. His father would be very unhappy if he knew why Dylan didn't want a bride.

"May I take Dervla?"

"What, as your bride?" chortled his father.

Dylan stared at him blankly. His sense of humour wasn't the best.

"As my companion."

"Well, don't let the smelly thing repel any potential brides. Get her ready and then get yourself off. Take whichever of the horses in the Royal stable that you want, and then be off with you. Don't come back unless you intend to marry somebody!"

Dylan bowed briefly, went to find his beloved Lurcher dog, picked out a horse, and was off on his travels.

David returned to his cottage unscathed.

"Was that wolf out?" Honey asked.

"He'd gone to menace three small pigs but I saved them and gave him the treatment he deserved" said David, pulling a furry severed head from his saddle-bag. Honey nearly fainted.

"S-so the wolf terror's over then?"

David laughed grimly.

"Far from it. He has a bigger, smarter brother. Fortunately I gave the pigs sound advice on building a safer residence."

He said, thoughtfully:

"If you like, tomorrow I'll take you to Passionara. You should find some kind of employment there and then you can earn your passage home to England."

Towards the Passionara end of the forest, a young man called Jack Diamond was wheedling his mother.

"Mum, we can't sell Daisy. Not our lovely cow!"

"Jack, don't look at me like that. We're on the verge of starvation. But if you take Daisy to market and sell her, we can get at least five pounds for her."

Jack sighed for a long time, which made his mother box his ears, and then reluctantly went to the barn, tethered the cow and headed for the market, which was a hive of activity as usual.

"Hello, Ethan!"

The pretty young flower seller beamed at the handsome young man who had just come into the market.

"Hello, Sara. How are you?"

"I'm well. Do you need any flowers?"

"Well they're not on my shopping list. But I'll take a small bouquet please. It's Sophie's birthday soon and I want to get her a present."

"How's Sophie – and how are those two harpies, her stepsisters?"

"Mean to her as usual. I do what I can to protect her from them."

"Is it true about the rumours, do you know?"

Ethan was about to speak when a loud announcement on a megaphone ripped through the air.

"People of Passionara! Rejoice! Prince Caleb has finished his travels abroad and will be home tomorrow. Everybody is to assemble in the town square at noon to greet him as he deserves!"

Ethan's heart sank a little. Sophie, who he loved with all his heart, was always talking about how wonderful it would be when Prince Caleb returned home.

Even though she wasn't Ethan's to love, he adored pretty Sophie. But she just saw him as a friend. And now the Prince was returning home, she'd fall in love with him for certain.

"David Hide! It IS you! How are you, and who's this lady?"

A pretty woman with coffee-coloured skin and huge brown eyes came over to David and Honey.

"I'm well, Elle. This is Honey, who says she fell asleep in England and arrived here. Do you have a job and a place for her to live?"

"I do indeed. She can come with me; free board and lodging in return for being my apprentice."

"What is it you do?" asked Honey, who decided that nothing would surprise her any more.

"I'm an enchantress, dear. Now are you in or out?"

Honey thought of how cold the weather was and how that wolf's big brother could be running around soon.

"In please."

"Good, now say goodbye nicely to David and try not to scream when I do this-"

"-Do what?" asked Honey.

"This" giggled Elle, seizing Honey by her collar and flying into the air with her.


	2. Chapter 2

HONEY'S KINGDOMS TWO

A/N: Thanks for the reviews people! Sweeet-as-Honey, in this case they really are bandits and full-sized ones. I'd have loved to have called them The Usual Suspects but have already used that in a FBG story.

Warning: Moderate violence

"I'll fall off this! I'll get dizzy!" wailed Honey as she balanced on a cloud with Elle.

"You'll be fine. Now watch what happens in the square because I'm expecting one or two things to kick off as well as Prince Caleb coming home. Ah!"

Elle's cry of triumph nearly made Honey plummet off the cloud.

"What did I tell you?" grinned Elle, "Jez the Trickster's setting out his stall."

Jez, a good looking young man with a cheeky face, was piling his stall with items and labelling them:

"Prince Caleb Diary – three Passionara Crowns. Prince Caleb photographs – ten Passionara Crowns. The cheek of it!"

"Are them expensive?" Honey asked.

"Ridiculously. These con-merchants always bump up the prices for royalty. But fools will still buy them -ah! Keep your eye on that lad with the cow."

As Jack trudged unhappily past the stall, Jez asked:

"You selling that cow, mate?"

Jack nodded.

"I want at least five pounds or Ten Passionara Crowns for her."

"Blimey, mate! For that old wreck? You'll not get it. Look, tell you what I'll do. I'll give you a bag of magic beans for her and they'll make you so rich you'll not need money for a long time."

"Err…"

Jack considered. Jez was a stallholder and should know what he was talking about.

He handed Jez the cow and Jez handed him the beans.

"Are they magic?" Honey asked. Elle laughed shortly.

"Not in the least. He'll go home tonight and his mum will beat him."

"Shouldn't you interfere or something?"

"No, dear. I want to see what he does after that. But what's about to happen now is far more important."

A fanfare sounded. And into the Town Square walked the two pretty but mean sisters Alicia and Louise from Tartford Manor. Behind them came their pretty stepsister Sophie.

"Oh look! Aren't those souvenirs of Prince Caleb gorgeous? I'm having one of everything!" trilled Alicia.

"Me too!" smirked Louise.

Sophie looked at Jez shyly.

"How much are the diaries please?"

"As if you could afford those!" sniggered Alicia.

"Three Passionara Crowns" Jez advised. Sophie looked crushed. She couldn't afford these.

Suddenly Ethan the Tartford Manor servant came over.

"I'd like a diary and a photograph of Prince Caleb please."

"Are you turning gay in your old age, Workhouse?" asked Alicia.

But, after paying for the items, and bringing out the little bouquet as well, Ethan made Sophie a polite little bow.

"Happy birthday, Sophie."

He handed over the gifts and Sophie smiled at him.

"Why do they call him Workhouse?" asked Honey.

"You'll find out in a minute."

A bell tolled. And a procession of the most miserable looking children came out from a dark building. The man in charge of them sneered.

"You can have an hour to watch the Prince coming into the square but you'll work extra hard this afternoon to make up for it."

A little girl giggled nervously. The man slapped her.

"All heart as usual, I see, Mr Self" snapped Ethan.

Guy Self, the Workhouse Owner, sneered at him.

"I thought they'd have hung you by now, Hardy. Well, no matter. Once a Workhouse scum, always a Workhouse scum, no matter where you work."

Ethan Hardy looked crushed for a moment. He couldn't deny that he'd been dumped on the steps of the Workhouse when he was just six months old, with just a little blue blanket to his name. Even his surname had been taken from the old man who'd discovered him crying there. He shrugged and dedicated his energy to cuddling the little girl whose face had been slapped by the hateful Self.

Then, another fanfare sounded. And the Prime Minister of Passionara, Sir Charles Fairhead, appeared to announce:

"My friends, and citizens of Passionara! Prince Caleb is coming into the square. Please be on your best behaviour!"

First came the young girls scattering rose petals.

Then the Passionaran Guard, led by their gallant captain Max.

Finally, Prince Caleb himself.

"He's gorgeous!" breathed Honey.

"Handsome is as Handsome does" said Elle mysteriously.

Alicia and Louise burst into tears. Prince Cal (as they liked to call him) had found a bride. That's why he was making an announcement. Sophie's heart sank.

Prince Caleb strutted on to the platform that had been erected for him. True, he was handsome. True, he was agile. Then he spoke – and, to be fair, his voice was an attractive one even though he had to shout a little.

"Good people of Passionara, I left this town to find a bride. Alas, none of them were up to my standard so I have returned with none-"

Alicia and Louise hugged each other for joy. Which was strange because they didn't actually like each other much. Sophie felt a surge of relief, even though she knew there was as much chance of Prince Cal marrying her as of Passionara United winning the World Cup.

"-So I have decided to hold a Grand Reception next month, just before Christmas. Christmas, my friends, will be an anti-climax after this event! There will be a Ball, to which every single lady in the land is invited… and at Midnight I shall choose a bride. So, mark the date, my friends… and ladies, now is the time to poison those unwanted husbands!"

Prince Cal giggled at his own joke. Ethan made a little angry growling noise and Sophie thumped him.

Suddenly, courage flowed through her veins. Like an excited pupil, her hand was in the air. Alicia tried to slap it down again but the Prince was already speaking to Sophie!

"Yes, little peasant girl?"

"Please Your Highness… every single lady?"

"Yes, dear, even shabby little peasant girls like you!"

I'll kill him, thought Ethan, I truly will kill him. Poor Sophie!

He squeezed Sophie's arm but she shook his hand off impatiently.

Jez the trickster thought of all the rip-off souvenirs he could create for the occasion. Captain Max hoped he'd get a dance with some of the guests.

Louise's hand was in the air.

"Yes, dear?"

"What date is this to take place on, Your Highness?"

"The fourth of December. So we can have lovely Christmas decorations at the Reception! Tomorrow my Prime Minister will deliver all the invitations! Well, much as it's been a pleasure, I need to go back to my Palace. I need to plan how I can continue to uphold Passionara's values-"

An impassioned voice rang out:

"Strange that you should talk about the values, Prince Caleb, when everybody knows-"

Prince Caleb's heart sank as the mysterious gypsy Carmen Miranda Zoe stood there. He shouted above the shocked whispers:

"Ah, Captain Max, this poor girl is severely disturbed! Please take her to somewhere to help her calm down in comfort."

Captain Max's heart sank as the Prince made a furtive throat-slitting gesture.

"Come along, dear" Captain Max said, his face grim.

He led the gypsy girl away and Prince Caleb began to breathe more easily. Ethan didn't. He didn't like what he'd just witnessed at all.

Prince Caleb finished his speech and departed with his retinue.

At the entrance to the woods, Captain Max stopped 'escorting' Gypsy Zoe.

"Right, you'd better try and keep out of the Prince's way from now on or he'll have my guts for garters."

Gypsy Zoe grabbed Max, kissed him greedily, giggled, and ran off into the dark forest.

Captain Max heaved a sigh of relief and went back towards the town centre, where the air was still vibrant with excitement.

"On the fourth of December – ahhh!" sighed Louise.

"My goodness, Louise, it won't be YOU!" said the poisonous Alicia.

Then she boxed both Sophie and Ethan's ears, and made a sign for them to walk behind their carriage back to Tartford Manor. At the same time, Guy Self led the unhappy children back to the workhouse.

Meanwhile, in Morcara, the seven bandits had become six.

"Curse that Wolf!" cried Crafty (real name Toby de Silva) shaking his fist.

"Damn it to hell" endorsed Sneaky (Tom Kent).

Little did they realise that somebody had found their hideout (a charming little cottage in the heart of the forest) and was even now climbing into the loft to keep warm.

As for Jack, he was still rubbing his backside from the previous night's beating when he heard his mother screeching:

"Jack, there's a giant beanstalk growing outside our window!"

Minnie Diamond stood there looking shell-shocked. But Jack's eyes lit up as he ran into the garden.

"Don't worry, mum, this will be as good a workout as joining the gym that's between Morcara and Passionara – what's it called again?"

"Moronara Trim and Tone. Jack, get down now… Jaaaack…."

She just saw a flash of her son's boots and then he was gone into the clouds.


	3. Chapter 3

"Are we off again?" wailed Honey.

"We are. Off to Tartford Manor."

Elle grabbed Honey's collar and off they went to observe what was happening in Tartford Manor.

Big Mac, Prince Caleb's long-suffering servant, had delivered all the invitations to the Grand Reception and was now sitting at home with his feet in a bowl of water and some of Jez the Trickster's Healing Salts. (The next day Big Mac would have itchy soles.) Sophie had thought they wouldn't let her accept her invitation, but they did.

"Are you going to put your invitation away safely?" Alicia asked Sophie casually.

"Oh, yes, I'll do that" Sophie replied, reaching out for the precious invitation.

"Because, otherwise, some cow might just…"

Alicia snatched up the invitation and flung it into the huge kitchen fire. Louise gave a gasp of mock horror and then howled with laughter. Sophie was too hurt and stunned to even weep. A pain began to spread across her heart.

"You wouldn't have done that if Ethan had been home" she said angrily.

"But Ethan isn't home! The Workhouse brat is multi-tasking today over at Farmer Garcia's."

"But guess what, Sophie? For the arrogance of thinking you could even go to that reception, tonight you'll go through the Haunted Forest and gather sticks for firewood."

Sophie thought of the ghost of the Haunted Forest, reputedly the undead form of a gypsy girl who had drowned herself in what was rather vulgarly known as "P*ss Springs" by the locals. She thought of the tales she'd heard of the killer wolf that roamed the other end of the forest near Morcara. And she didn't care. Better to die in the forest than have to live a life thinking that it might just have been her who Prince Caleb chose. What a fool she'd been to even dream.

"Put a curse on them two sisters and make them die!" begged Honey.

"Don't tell me what to do, trainee, or you'll lose your lunch break. Now fasten your seat belt… or your collar. We're off again."

Honey sighed.

Jack had reached the summit of the beanstalk and found a wonderful mansion. Hey, maybe the owner wants workers! I can get myself a job and get back into Mum's good books" he thought. He knocked on the door. No reply. He tried again. No reply, and as far as he could see, no bell to pull. He shoved the door in temper, and it swung open. He wished he had a CV on him.

He walked through the passage into a beautiful sitting room filled with art treasures.

"Oh, wow, look at them!"

"WHAT are you doing in here?" asked a deep voice. Jack turned round to see a very tall man.

A giant, he thought, and he's going to eat me.

"Please, please don't eat me! I wasn't going to steal anything."

"I know. I can tell who are thieves and who have come with other reasons. But please don't insult me; just because I'm tall doesn't mean I'm a giant. Added to which I'm a vegetarian so I find that most offensive."

"Sorry."

"Why are you here… oh, don't tell me! Another one!"

The very tall man slapped his thigh in glee.

"You got paid in beans by Jez the Trickster, didn't you?"

Jack nodded like a child who's been reprimanded.

"Well, the least I can do is offer you a bite to eat. You like vegetarian?"

"It's – er – good."

Jack liked his meat but a free feed was a free feed.

"Do you have any jobs you want doing round here?" Jack asked hopefully.

"Well, I could do with somebody cleaning this place. But beware the trick harp. It was given to me by my uncle Rick who has a mean sense of humour. Every time some poor soul picks it up to clean it, it starts playing spooky chords and screams that it's being stolen. Three domestic staff have quit already."

"Ah, I'm used to loud shouting; I've got a bossy mum. I won't quit – if you give me the job."

"You can start Monday."

"Brilliant."

"Wine?"

"Er… better not, Sir. I've got to climb back down that beanstalk."

"No you haven't. I'll send you back in my daughter's hot air balloon. She's into all this steampunk stuff. Always inventing things. But this is a nice gadget of hers. Right, let me get your contract for you. You drink up."

"Thanks, Sir. What's your name by the way?"

"Oh yes it would be good to know that if you're working for me. My name's Henrik Hanssen. This is Hanssen Mansion. Oh… if you're going back by balloon, I'll give you some grub to keep you and your mum going till your first pay day."

He suddenly yelled:

"JAC!"

"H-how did you know my name?" Jack began to ask. But a beautiful flame-haired young woman came into the room.

"This is my daughter, Jacqueline, known as Jac. Jac, meet Jack. He's starting work here on Monday."

"Did you warn him about the harp?"

"Of course."

"It's awfully good of you to give me a job, Sir" Jack smiled.

"Not at all, lad. I always love a chance to give Jez the trickster a smack in the eye."

"I'll go and get the balloon ready" Jac grinned and gave Jack, who was a handsome lad, a special flirtatious smile.

Jack decided it would be a very bad time to tell her he was gay.

While all this was happening Prince Dylan was crossing through from the North to the more Southern regions. He'd just had lunch at a pleasant inn – Dervla had scrounged a sausage as usual – and now he was on his way again.

Suddenly Dervla gave a sharp little yap.

"You can't be tired, we've been in that inn for two hours" Dylan reprimanded her.

Yap! Yap!

Dylan looked down.

"It's only a little frog; it's more scared of you than you are of it."

Yaaaaap!

Dylan looked down crossly and saw that, strange as it seemed, the little frog was gesturing to him.

"What? I don't speak Frog."

The little frog pointed to its mouth.

"Oh no" Dylan gasped, "You're not wanting me to kiss you?"

The little frog nodded. Dervla was wagging her tail.

"Oh this is ridiculous but thankfully I've got some mouthwash in my saddle bag… and if it will shut you up…"

He scooped up the little frog and kissed it on its mouth. It wasn't as horrid as he thought, but there was suddenly a blinding flash and the frog vanished. A pretty young woman with red hair – yes, another one! – stood before him.

"I'm giving up Dandelion wine" sighed Dylan. The young woman laughed.

"I'm real. I was enchanted by the terrible demon Meyer who turned me into a frog because I wouldn't sell him my soul. My name's Princess Robyn."

"Prince Dylan."

"Hello there. May I travel on with you? Where are you going?"

Dylan replied:

"I've been sent by my father to seek a bride."

Princess Robyn beamed.

Dylan said gently:

"But I don't want a bride. I'm actually gay."

"Well could we be friends anyway?" asked Robyn cheerfully.

"Sounds reasonable. Dervla likes you."

"She's a darling. Prince Dylan?"

"Yes?"

"Why don't you become engaged to me anyway? That'll stop you being nagged by your Dad for a while, and we could be really good friends. We can keep finding excuses to put off the wedding and we could travel about a bit before you go home."

"That sounds like a plan."

He helped Robyn into the saddle and they rode off in a South Westerly direction.

"Why did you bring me here if they solved that one all on their own?"

Honey asked.

"I wanted you to see how nice it is when things work out for themselves. Now we're off again… to the Haunted Forest."

Honey began to wail but her protests went unheard by Elle as they whooshed across the night sky.


	4. Chapter 4

HONEY FOUR

Poor Sophie, shivering and afraid, walked through the Haunted Forest. Supposing that ghost came? She knew the gypsies could be vengeful, for after the young gypsy girl who had been seduced by Prince Caleb's grandfather had drowned herself, the Prince's younger brother had been kidnapped. The gypsies were prime suspects and nobody knew if the young prince was dead or alive. She always thought this must be Prince Caleb's secret heartache and that was what made him a little – well, insensitive – at times. Little did she know that Prince Caleb's reaction had been "One less to share my sweets and comics with."

Meanwhile, Prince Caleb had spitefully decided that, seeing as Big Mac hated exercise, not to mention frosty weather and ghosts, that he would order Mac to have a midnight jog with him. Mac had long since fallen behind and had been abandoned by his master.

Sophie struggled on and had a basket full of firewood when Elle had said to Honey:

"Observe and be amazed", and had disguised herself as an old woman and made Honey invisible. Elle hobbled over to Sophie:

"Oh my dear, where did you get all that firewood from? I've nothing for my cold hearth."

Sophie wasn't in the mood for old ladies but felt pity for this one. Forcing a smile, she handed over her basket.

"Please take mine!"

Elle materialised as her true self, snatched the basket, and shouting:

"Sucker!", vanished in purple smoke.

"That weren't nice!" gasped Honey.

"I know it weren't – wasn't! It was payback for being mean to Ethan."

Just as Sophie began to weep, round the corner jogged Prince Caleb himself.

"Why, it's the little peasant girl! No – don't curtsey, dear. How are you, little peasant girl?"

"Very sad, Highness. My stepsisters threw my invitation into the fire today for a horrible joke."

"Don't fret, pet. I shall put a block on every credit card they try to use to buy themselves pretty things for my reception. And it's not a problem about the invitation…"

Sophie smiled in relief.

"… A smart girl like you can always steal another one. Well, got to go. My nice warm carriage is parked just up there. Watch out for the wolf!"

And off jogged the Prince, leaving Sophie even more despairing than before. She heard footsteps and wondered if it was the ghost.

"Sophie!"

Ethan was running through the snowy forest, carrying warm boots and a cloak, plus a huge basket of firewood.

"Those two b*tches told me what they'd done to you! I'm sorry I wasn't there, but at least I can help you get warm and make sure you get home safely."

"Oh, Ethan" Sophie smiled, "I met Prince Caleb in the woods just now! He was jogging like a normal person, so you see, he's not snooty!"

"He met you and then left you freezing? He could have helped you a bit more!"

"Don't be nasty, Ethan. He was probably trying to get some time to himself."

Ethan raised his eyebrows.

"He's lovely, Ethan! I've just lost my heart."

"You've just broken mine. Again" thought Ethan.

Sophie struggled into the cloak and boots, and Ethan took her arm. Suddenly there was a thunderclap in the middle of the snow, and the smell of brimstone. The loathsome demon Meyer stood there. Sophie fainted in Ethan's arms.

"Young man, you should not put up with this treatment! You're as handsome as the Prince is – and far more People-friendly. Why not let me cast a little spell to make the young lady love you… all I'd want for it would be your soul."

Ethan knew pure evil when he saw it.

"Get back to the hell you came from!"

"So you refuse my help?" asked Meyer.

"I do!"

"Then DIE!" yelled Meyer. Ethan waited for the pain which never happened. He shrugged.

"Unpleasant turn of phrase."

He carried Sophie home tenderly.

"We're off again" Elle told Honey.

"I'm charging you for a new top; you've pulled me collar all out of shape."

Off they went again, this time landing on the roof of the cottage near Morcara, where they had a perfect view through the windows.

The bandits were home. Crafty, Sneaky, Grabby, Snatchy, Stealthy and Lightfoot had had a productive day. They'd robbed three coaches, sold the jewels they'd nicked to a reliable contact, and then, after taking out the necessary expenses for food, heating, etc, had left the rest of the money on the doorstep of an orphanage.

Suddenly they heard a movement above them. Out came their swords.

"Whoever it is in that loft, come down and face us, or we'll come and get you!"

A young man with dark curls and large blue/grey eyes descended.

"I'm sorry. I needed somewhere to shelter."

"And for that, you'll die."

The young man threw his head back proudly and waited to be stabbed. It was reasonably obvious that he was unarmed.

"He's got guts."

"Yeah, I'll spill 'em!"

"Look" said Lightfoot, also known as Patrick Spiller, "Do we need to slay him? Couldn't he join us instead?"

"Right, stranger. What's your name?" asked Snatchy, whose real name was Josh Griffiths.

"Benjamin."

"Okay, Benjamin. Your life depends on the answers to this quiz. Question one. You are part of a band of bandits and you rob a coach, taking people's jewels and purses. Do you spend the money on your own pleasures or give it to those in need?"

Benjamin, who had been brought up the right way and had values, said:

"Give to those in need."

"You are out doing a job when one of your comrades is captured. Do you leave him to die and take his share of the food or go to rescue him from his captors?"

"Rescue him."

"You rob a coach in which there is a beautiful but helpless young girl. Do you have your evil way with her, or let her go free?"

"Let her go free."

"You rob a coach in which there is a handsome but helpless young man. What do you do then?"

Benjamin knew this answer might cause his doom but he had to answer honestly:

"Flirt with him a little, and then let him go free."

"Finally, do you support Queen Constance of Morcara?"

Benjamin, fortunately, had visited one or two inns on his journey and knew how to answer:

"I do not. I repudiate Queen Constance and her wickedness."

Cheers from the other six.

"Five out of five correct! Pour him a drink and set a place at table for him! You are now officially our seventh bandit! But you must have a nickname. All bandits have nicknames!"

Lightfoot laughed.

"Well, considering where he came down from – Lofty!"

He ran outside, poured a mugful of icy water from the pump, poured it over Benjamin's head and cried:

"I christen thee Lofty!"

Honey, who was really tired and was hoping it might be time to eat, had to see two more things before she was allowed her rest.

First of all, a middle-aged peasant woman was saying to her pretty daughter:

"Rita, darling, I'm sorry to send you out in this weather but poor Granny Tess is seriously ill and needs these treats and the medicine."

"It's okay Mum" said feisty Rita Freeman, and she pulled her red cape closely around her, "I should be back by midday tomorrow; I'll stay over with Granny till it's light again."

"Keep to the path and don't stray and you should be safe from the wolf."

Rita kissed her mum's cheek and off she went.

The second thing Honey saw didn't look so pleasant. A beautiful but cold-looking woman was speaking to a large ornate mirror:

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?"

The mirror replied, which made Honey go tingly all over with fear.

"Queen Constance, you are fair all right,

But fairer far is Lily White."

"My stepdaughter!" Queen Constance broke some crockery to feel better, and then summoned her Huntsman, Iain Dean.

"You-you can't mean me to- oh, Madam!" he babbled in horror after what he'd heard.

Queen Constance passed him a casket.

"Bring me her heart back in this."

"Ugh, that's vile! Like on a TV Medical programme!"

"You either do it or tomorrow you're hanged in front of my kingdom and denounced as a traitor. You'll not be contributing to your dear old daddy's pension then, will you?"

With a heavy heart, Iain went out to do murder…


	5. Chapter 5

HONEY FIVE

"A poor old lady in distress is asking for me? Well, Captain Dean, you did right to ask me to come with you" said Lily White, who was as kind as she was beautiful.

Iain thought of how he usually swapped his own news with Captain Max from Passionara, by carrier pigeon. This was one piece of news he wouldn't be sharing, although he fancied that after tonight he might just hang himself in grief and shame.

Better get things over with.

He grabbed Lily and pushed her against a tree, and, drawing his sword, held it to her throat.

"Keep very still, Lass, it'll hurt less" he said. Naturally Lily didn't keep still, and was crying, more in shock at being betrayed by someone she thought was a nice man, than for fear of her own life.

"I deserve to know why you are doing this" she said, with great courage and dignity.

"Stop him! Stop him!" wailed Honey from the air. Elle bided her time.

While that was happening, Rita was wondering if she had been right to tell the talking wolf where she was going. She was sure he was a good wolf – all the talking animals in the legends she'd read were good – and so she'd told him she was off to her Granny Tess's cottage further on in the forest - "Just beyond that lovely little pool that gets snowdrops round it in winter."

Bad call. The wolf had skilfully broken the lock on the door to fool Rita into walking straight in – kicking down the door would have looked really suspicious when that fool of a girl arrived– and had found Granny Tess in bed. He'd leaped on her greedily.

"If I don't kill you, Princess, I'll be publicly hanged and my old father will starve to death without my salary."

Lily nodded sadly.

"Then do it quickly."

Iain steeled himself to cut Lily's throat. But he couldn't. Then he had a brainwave.

"I could just as easily kill a forest animal and take its heart back to Queen Constance, and tell her I murdered you. But you have to promise to run as far away as you can from Morcara."

"I'll be glad to stay away. I've gone off it quite a bit" Lily said with a faint smile, "And thank you for letting me go free, Captain Dean."

"You're welcome."

Iain hurried off on his quest to find a helpless animal. It was only then that he heard somebody screaming from a cottage beyond the trees:

"Help me! Oh, please help me! Somebody! Anybody!"

He rushed towards the cottage, kicked the door down to save time, and found a young blonde woman in a red cloak trying to keep a table between herself and a huge, evil-looking wolf.

"He's eaten my granny and now he's after me!" she sobbed.

"Aren't you even going to help that girl?" Honey wailed, "That horrid thing ate her granny already!"

"Be patient, trainee, and see what happens next."

What happened next was that Iain swung his sword and the wolf's head went flying through the door into the forest while the rest of him collapsed. It was not a pretty sight. Honey had to shut her eyes.

"You're safe, lass."

Rita sobbed:

"But Granny…"

Just then there came a furious banging from within the wardrobe.

"Rita! Is that blinking wolf dead yet? I bashed him with the bedpan and locked myself in here and I need a wee!"

"Granny! Yes it's safe!" Rita cried in delight.

Granny shot out of the wardrobe and shot into the privy in the garden.

"My hero" Rita sighed. Iain looked at her.

"I just happened to be around at the right time, lass. Mind if I take this carcase? I have – er – something I can do with it."

"Take it away, please!"

"May I see you again?" Iain blurted out. He hadn't meant to, but the young lass was so pretty.

Granny came shuffling back in.

"Tell him he can come for his tea next Friday" she said happily.

"Now did they need any help from me?" Elle asked Honey severely.

"Well, how were I to know?"

Lily had been running through the forest and was almost exhausted when she saw the cottage. She tapped upon the door but nobody answered so in she went. There were seven chairs round a table, and on the dresser, seven mugs on a mug tree. She read out:

"Stealthy, Crafty, Grabby, Snatchy, Sneaky, Lightfoot, Lofty."

Strange names! She looked around a little more and found a large room with seven beds in it.

She only meant to lie down for a few minutes but when she awoke, seven men with swords were all kneeling to her.

"Princess Lily White, it's an honour!"

Soon the bandits had made Lily a nice little bedroom up in the loft, and had even managed to rig a shower for her. It was icy cold on most days but it was the thought that counted. Lily used to wait till they were out on a job and then go and wash in the nearby stream.

The weather became worse, the nights started to get longer, and soon it was the evening of the Grand Reception at Prince Caleb's palace.

Alicia and Louise were upstairs getting themselves ready – Prince Caleb had forgotten about blocking their credit cards because he was too busy ensuring that he'd look gorgeous on the big day– and as Sophie dusted, she saw something. Poking out of Alicia's jeweled bag, as clear as anything. An invitation. She couldn't think straight and the temptation was too much for her. Her hand went towards the bag. Louise's shout ripped through the air:

"Sister, we have a thief among us!"

Alicia came running down, with blusher on one side of her face only. She grabbed Sophie's arm more painfully than she needed to and exclaimed:

"Stealing a Royal Invitation is treason! You'll be executed for this!"

Sophie's legs turned to jelly.

Just then Ethan came in. He tried to keep a sober face but the news he had to tell had made him grin – until he saw the shaking, terrified Sophie weeping.

"She was trying to steal my Invitation! It's a capital crime! It'll be a case of her being dragged to the block and, wallop! Her head in a basket!"

"Okay" said Ethan almost nonchalantly. Then he said:

"Ladies, I'm so sorry. You should have sent me out a week ago at the latest to book a coach in advance. The snow's very deep and there are no coaches to be had."

Screams of horror from the sisters, while Sophie still trembled about her possible fate.

"I have a friend who owns a sleigh and a couple of horses. He could get you through" Ethan said.

"Oh, Ethan, darling, lovely Ethan, could you?"

"I'm sure I could if I go out and talk to him in a minute. But first, about that invitation. I'm sure Sophie was only holding it to admire it. She knows very well she can't go, isn't that right, Sophie?"

Sophie nodded.

"Yes" grovelled Louise, "I'm sure she was just looking. If you can get us that sleigh, the invitation incident is closed and we'll never, ever mention it again, will we, Alicia?"

"No, I swear we won't!"

"Then I'll go and fetch my friend. I should be fifteen minutes, so if you two would like to finish getting ready-"

Louise and Alicia fled upstairs.

Sophie sat down in great relief, but said nothing. Ethan sighed as he went out. A little 'thank you' might have been nice.

Within twenty minutes Ethan was back with his friend Noel, who wore an obviously fake fur coat - it was a hot pink colour - over a hideous green suit and clashing yellow shirt. His boots were bright red. He hadn't attempted to comb out his dreadlocks. Alicia and Louise looked at him in total horror.

"Your chauffeur, ladies" Ethan said wickedly.

Noel bounced on to the sofa, saying:

"Well, I can see you two are nowhere near ready so I'll put me feet up a bit…"

"We ARE ready, snapped Alicia indignantly.

"Oh, in that case-"

Noel got to his feet again, and bundled Alicia and Louise unceremoniously through the door. Their cries of angry complaint were heard above the jingling of the horses' bridles, and then there was silence as the sleigh vanished into the night.

Sophie felt a terrible pang of emptiness.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Thanks for the reviews! For the lovely guest who asked for more Zax, it's not possible to bring them together right now because of how the story works. But at least one half of the duo is in love! Warning: One or two naughty bits.

Captain Max was unhappy as he put on his ceremonial uniform in preparation for the ball. He'd been the one to tell the pretty gypsy girl to keep away from Passionara, but that was for her own safety. He couldn't stop thinking about her, and had said as much to Captain Dean in his last note by carrier pigeon. But he knew poor Captain Dean was in no mood for idle chat. He'd sent a message saying "For my own safety I can't go back to Morcara. Am hiding out in the Horrible Forest. It's fine; that killer wolf's dead. But if you should see Queen Constance while you're out and about, you might like to tell her I'm dead as well. Just to keep her off my back." Max sighed. It was painful being in love with a distressed woman who didn't love him back. Oh well. It should be a good ball, especially later when everybody had gone to bed and the officers got to eat all the leftovers in the Officers Mess and get drunk. Pity they'd have to get up at stupid o'clock the next morning to salute dear Prince Caleb and his choice of bride, but Big Mac had stolen a supply of so-called magical herbs from the forest that were said to cure hangovers.

Alicia and Louise had to spend almost an hour in the ladies' room making themselves look good after their wild ride with Noel. Then they'd gone into the ballroom. The footman had got both their names wrong, and when they'd gone over to speak to Prince Caleb to apologise to him for being late, he'd said sharply:

"Did I actually invite you two to dance with me?"

They shook their heads.

"Then get back and wait over there with the other wallflowers."

They were really crushed but still hoped he might ask one of them to marry him before the ball was over.

"Sumptuous event" cooed one visitor.

"Yes" replied the other, "I declare Prince Caleb's balls are getting bigger every year!"

Ethan was in despair. He couldn't think of anything else he could to do make Sophie smile. He'd made her a hot drink, and had done quite a lot of her cleaning tasks for her. She'd whispered "Thank you" but her voice had been indifferent.

Suddenly he heard a slow tapping at the door. He went to open it. An old lady and a cat were outside.

"Oh please, this is such a vile night, could my little kitty and myself come in to get warm?"

"Come in and welcome. And I'll give you some soup, bread and brandy and your cat a little milk. Come and get warm by the fire now."

"Such kindness deserves a reward!"

Ethan jumped nervously at the flash that followed. Two attractive women stood there, one with a wand, the other looking a little disorientated.

"I'm Elle, your Allocated Enchantress and this is my trainee, Honey."

"Oh. Well you can still have the food and brandy."

"Ethan, if you give away the brandy you'll be beaten when they get back", Sophie snapped out of her fog of misery to warn him.

"We're fine, Ethan. Don't waste precious time asking how we know your name. Now, Sophie."

With that Elle turned her back completely on Ethan.

"Would you like to go to the Reception and meet Prince Caleb?"

"I don't trust you. You played a mean trick on me before."

"No tricks this time. And I know you don't have an invitation. Here…"

Elle handed Sophie a genuine invitation, just like the one she'd been tempted to steal from Alicia.

"You're really kind, but I can't go looking like this."

Elle waved her wand, and sang a little song as she performed the changes:

"To attend the Grand Reception you must really look the part,

You can't go in just anything, like some worn-out old tart,

I don't quite know the togs for chatting up a future king,

But as far as I'm concerned, it's something like this sort of thing…

(As she sang, she waved her wand several times. Sophie stood there in a beautiful creamy ball gown with white-gold trimming, plus jewellery including a little white- gold tiara. Honey jumped up and down in delight.)

"A little bit of this, a little bit of that,

You ought to have a coachman, darling, I'll enchant a rat.

Some slippers made of glass, be careful with on that grass,

You won't impress the Prince if you go sprawling on your *ss."

She turned her attention to Ethan:

"Ethan, darling, will you nip downstairs and bring Abelard and Heloise up for me?"

Ethan was very protective of his two white mice and asked nervously:

"You won't hurt them?"

"No, dear, they won't even be traumatised. Oh, and after that, can you go in the garden and get a really big pumpkin?"

Ethan nodded happily. He was delighted for Sophie. Off he sped.

He stood in the garden, beaming at Sophie, even though she'd told him not to crush her dress when he'd tried to hug her earlier. It was because of this that Elle added a little caveat to the magic.

"Now, here's something to remember, Sophie. You must leave that Reception before the stroke of Midnight. If you don't, you'll look pretty damn stupid because all your magic will fade away and you'll be in rags and barefoot sitting on a pumpkin."

Sophie took this in briefly but was far too excited to dwell on it.

"How can I ever thank you enough?" she said.

"You can't, so don't even try. Off you go, then."

"Have a lovely time, Sophie darling" Ethan added. She nodded off-handedly.

The coach rolled away easily over the snow. As soon as the coach was out of sight, Elle said to Ethan:

"Well aren't you going to ask me, sweetheart?"

"Ask you what, Madam?" said the ever-polite Ethan.

"Bless you, you can call me Elle. Aren't you going to ask me why, as it was you who was so kind to me, that it was actually Sophie I rewarded?"

"It did occur to me. But I love to see her being happy."

"Ah" said Elle, and sang once more:

"Prince Caleb isn't right for her, he's selfish and he's mean.

She'd have some dreadful problems if she were his future Queen.

She needs a little help from me to truly see the light,

And that is why I'm making sure her story ends just right-"

(Between singing, she whispered in Ethan's ear. He began to chuckle happily.)

"A little bit of this, a little bit of that,

A lot of crafty tricks to prove that Princey is a rat.

She'll soon be having qualms about his lack of charms,

And she'll come running home to you and fall into your arms."

"Oh, that's brilliant!" grinned Ethan.

"Well, let's be on our way. You, trainee! Come and hold hands with us. Your time has come, and you are going to the ball!"

Ethan's gasp of amazed delight was drowned out by Honey's excited squeals as Elle threw her cloak over all of them and they vanished.


	7. Chapter 7

HONEY SEVEN

A/N: Thanks to Sweeet-as-Honey for the lovely reviews. Yes I think Alicia might well keep the ticket incident as something to hold over Sophie's head later unless the situation changes, and this chapter tells us more about Elle's motives.

"Are we there yet?" asked Prince Dylan wearily.

"We'll soon be over the border and on the road to Morcara, Sir. But I want to warn you; it's not a nice place. The Queen's a piece of work so try not to run into her on your travels. I'd head for the Passionara side if I were you. The Prince there is a pain in the butt but he's not evil" replied the coachman.

"No, we want to do all the tourist attractions" argued Dylan, "So it's Morcara first then on to Passionara."

"Well don't say I didn't warn you."

Meanwhile, Prince Caleb was becoming petulant. He'd not yet seen any lady worthy of him; the music bored him, the dancing bored him. He sat sullenly on the ornate throne in the ballroom.

Suddenly the master of ceremonies announced:

"Princess Mysterieuse."

Cal looked up – and gasped. The young woman who had entered was beautiful and graceful. If he had to be pushed into marriage, this girl would do nicely.

He bowed beautifully and held out his hand.

"Who the heck's that?" asked Alicia.

"Goodness knows. Plain little thing, though, and common as muck" sneered Louise.

Sophie was relieved. She'd danced well enough and the Prince seemed to like her. True, he had an unbearable arrogance about him. True, he had only talked of himself during the dancing. But he was Prince Caleb, after all, and she was lucky to be there with him.

A fantasy ballet was performed, during which Sophie was entranced and Cal was indifferent. After kissing the Prima Ballerina and shaking hands with her dancing partner, Cal demanded another waltz. A waltz during which he managed to steer Sophie outside.

"I'd like you to see my rose gardens" he smiled.

"Could I get my wrap? I'm quite cold, Highness."

"Ah, you'll soon be warm, dear, don't worry about that!"

Over on the road to Morcara, trouble struck. The coach was accosted by a gang of bandits. Princess Robyn gave a little cry of terror.

"It's all right, Robyn" soothed Prince Dylan.

Lofty looked in at the window.

"Could you and the young lady hand over your valuables, please?" he said as if he were asking for a drink in his local tavern.

"This ring's my mother's" Robyn said bravely, "And I won't part with it."

She tensed, expecting a sword at her throat. Lofty just shrugged.

"You got anything, Sir?"

"May I ask what you're going to do with them?"

"We are going to exchange them for money and then leave it anonymously outside the schoolhouse in Morcara, because Queen Constance won't give a penny towards its upkeep."

Dylan was taken aback by this. The man looked sincere… and he was handsome.

Dylan handed over his second-best ring and some coins from his purse.

"Any more?" asked Lofty hopefully.

"Don't get greedy" Dylan snapped.

"You, Sir." Lofty was addressing the coachman, "How much do you earn a week?"

"Two Morcaran crowns if I'm lucky."

"Oh dear. Well, in that case you can have these for the inconvenience."

He passed a handful of coins back to the coachman.

"I'll not take any more from you…"

Lofty switched his gaze from the coachman to Dylan.

"But, I'll give _you_ something."

Robyn was terrified that Lofty meant he'd stab Dylan, but he leaned in at the coach window and kissed him slowly and tenderly.

Dylan sat stunned, then recollected himself.

"Oh, just get on your way, vermin!" he bawled.

Lofty made a mock bow and the whole gang rode away.

"Well that's a new one. Good-mannered gay bandits. I've seen it all now!" gasped the coachman.

But for the rest of the evening, Prince Dylan could not forget the kiss. Neither, for that matter, could Lofty.

Back in Passionara, on a bench in the rose garden, there was more kissing as Caleb announced to the shivering Sophie:

"I'm going to kiss you to see if I like it. It doesn't matter if you don't because I'm the Prince and not you."

He kissed her. Bells should have rung; fireworks should have exploded. But Sophie felt nothing.

Prince Caleb's hand strayed to forbidden territory. Sophie pulled away a little.

"Don't be a baby, dear" Prince Caleb said huffily.

Suddenly they both heard it. On the roof of the little gazebo where they were both sitting:

"I'm here, the Phantom of the Garden."

The colour drained from Prince Caleb's cheeks. Sophie was a little unnerved, then thought:

"I KNOW that voice."

Prince Caleb pulled himself together.

"Let's try again" he whispered, and back came the Desert Disease, also known as Wandering Palms.

"Please don't do that!"

"For goodness sake! Remember I'm going to choose a bride. Cry-babies might be disqualified!"

He knew he didn't mean it; this was the bride he really wanted, the one that almost met all his standards. But she had to learn.

"I'm here, the Phantom of the Palace!"

"That – that thing's on the roof!" wailed Prince Caleb, and screamed for his guards, just as the first strokes of midnight struck. Sophie fled, leaving one of her little glassy slippers behind. Captain Max and the rest of the guards came over.

"There's a P-Phantom on that roof!" screamed Cal.

Captain Max and the guards looked up and saw nothing. But they heard the mocking voice:

"I'm here, the Phantom of the Fountain!"

"Now he's in the fountain! He has to be an evil spirit! He HAS to!" wailed Prince Caleb.

"We'll search the entire Palace and grounds, Highness" said Max.

"Don't leave me here! Get me inside! Please!"

With that, he fell in a dead faint.

It was humble Private Connor Christie who actually picked up Sophie's shoe.

Fortunately Jez the Trickster and his Amazing Band (Jack, Jac and Jacob) were entertaining the guests at that moment. They were singing:

"Caleb is a walking talking, squeaking, squawking living hunk!

Ladies do their best to please him, never tease him, what a hunk.

Those who say he's useless are just morons and their brains are junk.

Caleb is a squeaking, walking talking living hunk!

Take a look at his hair, it's real, all the grey he's just managed to conceal.

Ladies fight to win his heart, but just one tart

Will be his exalted bride!

Caleb is a dancing, walking, prancing, talking living doll.

Ladies do their best to please him, never tease him, what a doll!

Take a look into his eyes and squeeze his thighs – stuff protocol!

Caleb is a dancing, walking talking living doll!"

Suddenly there was a fanfare, during which Sir Charles Fairhead went over to Jez the Trickster and his band to explain just why they wouldn't be paid for their part in the entertainment.

"And think yourself lucky you're not being arrested for that song!" he added.

"Not to worry" Jac whispered, "Daddy will give us a couple of coins to tide us over."

Then Prince Cal, who had recovered nicely from his faint, strode in holding up the little glass shoe. All the ladies hugged each other in excitement, except Alicia and Louise who thumped each other instead.

"My good friends, it seems that my future bride was forced to flee from the Palace by an evil spirit who is now conquered, thanks to my courage and tenacity! However, she did leave one little clue… this shoe. So tomorrow Big Mac and two of my guards will call at every house in Passionara. Every lady will be invited to try on the shoe. Whoever it fits will have the joyful gift of being my bride!"

Gasps and squeals of excitement came from the crowd.

"I still say she was dead common, whoever she was" whispered Alicia.

"Just suppose if one of us fits that shoe!" gloated Louise.

" Now, you're sure you won't back out?" Elle asked Ethan severely.

"No… if she still chooses Prince Cal, I'll do what I have to."

"Good, because the Trainee and I are off again" Elle told him, "And we could be gone some time."

She grabbed Honey's collar. Honey, who had just been about to enjoy the treats she'd brought home from the buffet, wailed in frustration.

"You can have them for breakfast; they'll keep" Elle told her crossly.

And Ethan steeled himself for Sophie's return.


	8. Chapter 8

HONEY EIGHT

A/N Thanks for the reviews. Warning: A reference to possible cannibalism here.

Over in her castle, Queen Constance had a heck of a shock.

"Mirror Mirror on the Wall,

Who is the fairest of us all?" she asked in that 'don't give me any backchat, b*tch' voice that she was so well known for.

"Oh Queen, you're fair, despite your sins,

But it's still Lily White who wins" said the mirror, who had forgotten its lines and was improvising frantically.

Queen Constance went a whiter shade of pale and screamed:

"But Lily White's dead!"

She sent her guards to fetch Captain Iain Dean to her, but it seemed he'd done a runner.

She'd learned from the babbling mirror that Lily White had been spared, was living somewhere in the forest in a little cottage, and that she, Queen Constance, had actually eaten a wolf's heart with roasted vegetables on Ciabatta bread and not, as she'd hoped, her stepdaughter's.

Oh, Captain Iain Dean was going to suffer…

Ethan was suffering agonies of indecision when Sophie came in. Noel had seen her flight from the palace, and had driven up alongside her to give her a lift:

"Those two losers can just wait till I go back again for them."

This meant that she was reasonably warm when she came into the kitchen at Tartford, but Ethan had a nice big fire going, and Sophie's favourite soup on the stove.

"Come and get warm, darling. Did you enjoy it?"

Sophie's hurt pride made her say:

"Yes, it was lovely. And Prince Caleb was gorgeous."

"So you got to dance with him?"

"Yes! Oh Ethan, I think he cares for me!"

"Does he really?" Ethan asked, his tone altering slightly.

"Yes. Don't look at me like that, Ethan, he's really lovely."

"And he loves you?"

"I've said, haven't I?"

"And he'd protect you if you were in danger?"

"Well of course" said Sophie, wondering where all this could be leading.

"So if you were being menaced by a Phantom, he'd get you to safety before he thought about himself?"

The penny dropped. Sophie glared at Ethan, hands on hips.

"Ethan Hardy, you selfish pig! You were on that roof throwing your voice last night! You were pretending to be a Phantom!"

"Guilty!"

"Well it didn't work because I have proof that Prince Cal loves me. He gave me _this_."

She held out a little silver heart on a chain. Enraged, Ethan threw it across the room.

"A heart? Well…"

Ethan suddenly grabbed Sophie's hands and held them to his chest.

"This is MY heart! Feel it! It beats. It breaks… Goodness knows, it breaks… and it's made of real flesh and blood, blood that I'd shed for you if I had to because- because I've loved you for ages now, you little twerp!"

The next minute Ethan was kissing her. And Sophie heard the bells and saw the fireworks. She didn't want to let go, but they eventually separated.

"Why, _Ethan_!"

"Sophie, if you'll marry me I swear that I'll work to keep you comfortable and make you happy. What do you think?"

It could have been the perfect ending for them. But alas, the demon Meyer was floating somewhere above them, and he made a little sign and vanished.

No, thought Sophie, I've been starved of luxury for too long now and I'm going to marry Prince Cal if I get the chance again.

"I'm sorry, Ethan, but I have to have my chance with Prince Caleb" she said with a tinge of regret in her voice.

"Oh that's okay" Ethan replied, "Come and give me a hug to show there are no hard feeings."

Sophie went to hug Ethan… and the next minute he'd sneaked the chloroform pad from its hiding place, and put it over her face.

"I'm so sorry, but I have to save you from him" he said as he carried her down to the cellar. He made sure she was wrapped up warmly and then hurried back upstairs to await the two Tartford Vampires' return.

In they came, squabbling and backbiting as usual.

"It's a good job you've got that fire stoked, Hardy."

"Yes, but I need you to sit down; there's something I have to tell you."

They sat.

"It was Sophie who was Princess Mysterieuse last night. She had some outside help. Never mind how I know for now. Later today, Prince Caleb and his retinue will be coming along to try that slipper on all the ladies' feet."

"Hardy, you're going to be beaten within an inch of your life for this" snarled Alicia.

"Fine, but hear me out first. I've chloroformed Sophie and locked her in the cellar – I have my reasons – so she'll miss the Prince's visit."

"Darling Ethan! Oh, we love you! You just sit there and we'll make you a lovely hot drink. What would you like?"

"Cyanide's what I deserve. But I'll have a coffee please."

"You shall have some brandy in it, and – yes, we'll let you have some of our best whipped cream."

"Just black, please."

"Oh, all right then."

While Ethan and the Tartfords awaited Prince Caleb's visit, Granny was showing Rita a poster which said:

"Wanted. For Treason against Queen Constance of Morcara: Iain Dean. Dead or Alive. 50 Morcaran crowns reward!"

Rita went pale.

"Oh, Granny!"

"Stop your whining. He's not daft. He'll be well over the border by now if he has any sense."

But a knock at the door proved Iain didn't have any sense, for there he stood.

"Granny, Rita - I have to flee-"

"-I know all about that, lad. And you're not saying goodbye to our Rita. I'm not helpless on my own. If I can whack a wolf with a bedpan I can get along just fine. Rita, get yourself a bundle together and leave with this lad."

"Oh, Granny!"

"I'll take care of her, Granny, I swear."

"I know you will. And one day that bitch Constance will be without a head or locked up in maximum security, and then you can both come home. Now I'll pack you both some grub and give you some of my savings."

"NO, Granny-"

"Never mind no! Now pack! I knew he was meant to be with you as soon as I saw him!"

Rita hugged her Granny and ran to pack.

The knock at the door was hardly unexpected but Alicia and Louise jumped up and down, then glared at each other as they ran to admit the visitor. Big Mac, looking exhausted, stood there with the slipper on a little cushion. Behind him stood Prince Caleb.

"You have heard of what befell my bride earlier this morning? Fled the palace for some reason and left her little slipper! When I find out who scared her away they'll pay a heavy price. Now, I don't think it's either of you two because the girl I danced with was beautiful, but all ladies in the land are to try on this shoe."

Ethan heard Caleb's speech and thought he'd done the right thing to save Sophie from this man. He came forward helpfully with a footstool.

"Thank you, minion. Okay, you first."

Caleb gestured to Louise, who put out her foot.

"No chance, lass" Big Mac sighed.

"Please try again!"

"Sweetheart" said Cal, "The only way you'll fit that slipper is if you hack a piece off your foot and I'm not having you bleeding on my nice horse. NEXT!"

Alicia pushed Louise out of the way, sat down and put out her foot.

"Ugh, have you never heard of a chiropodist? No… your foot's too long. Sorry."

Alicia, weeping, withdrew. Prince Cal continued:

"In fact I'm more than sorry because this is the last house in Passionara. So I'll not be reunited with my Princess after all. She'll be broken at the thought of losing me."

Ethan pressed his lips together tightly and tried to kill the feelings inside himself.

"Maybe" fantasised Prince Cal, "She's even now heading to the river to drown her grief in death."

It was too much for poor Ethan.

"Highness, I have done a terrible thing but I'll right that wrong instantly. Please wait!"

He ran down to the cellar and came back carrying the still unconscious Sophie.

"You killed my chosen bride, you swine!" screamed Caleb.

"No, she's only unconscious… but I think she'd rather come round in your arms."

And Ethan handed the woman he loved and his future happiness over to Prince Caleb with a sigh.


	9. Chapter 9

HONEY NINE

A/N: Sweeet-As-Honey: Thanks for your lovely review. Yes technically it is 'muscle and membrane' but as you said, it was poetic license. Technically Sophie's only a stepsister, not 100% Tartford, and has been relegated to the role of servant herself; sadly she tends to be mean to Ethan now and then because she's had a rotten life.

Prince Caleb beckoned Big Mac over again and jammed the shoe on poor Sophie's foot, which brought her round with a start. She saw Ethan smiling encouragingly at her and forgave him for the chloroform trick even though it had given her a bit of a headache.

The Prince himself wasn't so forgiving.

"Trying to prevent a Royal Wedding is actually treason, the punishment for which is death by hanging."

Sophie's colour drained as Caleb set her down none too gently in an armchair.

Even Louise and Alicia were crying. They disliked Ethan but not that much.

"Oh please, please forgive him. He just loves me", Sophie begged.

"Very well. I commute your sentence to banishment, Peasant. You leave Passionara by midnight tonight. If you're ever seen in my country again you will be hanged."

Ethan made a formal little bow.

"I understand. I shall never return. Thank you for your mercy."

He went upstairs to pack.

"Let's be on our way" Prince Cal said crossly. He wanted to show his pretty bride off to the populace.

Off rode the retinue without a backward glance. Sophie was too busy grieving and Big Mac was too busy dreaming of a hot bath.

"Well I shan't go to their rotten wedding" sniffed Louise.

"We'd better" sighed Alicia, "He's got a mean streak in him."

All the way back to the Palace, Sophie thought about Ethan's lovely kiss and how horrible Prince Caleb was and what a fool she'd been.

Zoe the gypsy girl was in her usual hiding-place when Captain Max came to bring her the usual food bundle.

"Pie… wine…cheese…apples and, ooh, grapes! And what are these?"

"Two of those adult colouring books and some crayons in case you get bored."

"I have more to do with my life than draw Mandalas" sniffed Zoe.

"I do my best" replied Captain Max.

Zoe proved how grateful she was by pulling him into the bushes. It was at least an hour later when he emerged with leaves in his hair and a spring in his step.

The coach rattled on, heading for the forest between Morcara and Passionara. Iain and Rita cuddled, thinking of their bright future together. Suddenly there was a face at the window.

"Hand over your valuables. I don't want to hurt anybody."

Grabby wasn't quite as polite as Lofty would have been.

"Push off. We're not rich people, we're peasants" Iain snapped.

"You're not. You've got a big ring on."

Iain feigned compliance.

"If I give you this big ring will you all go away?"

"Yeah!"

"Can I just ask what you're going to do with the ring?" Rita asked. Grabby smiled; this was his favourite bit.

"Exchange it for money and then give it to the church in Morcara. It's too shabby for anybody to hold weddings there any more."

As if, thought Iain, but he handed over the big ring.

Grabby beamed, put it in his swag bag, and the bandits began to ride away. Iain had a quick look and saw that they only had swords. Not trusting them about the church restoration, and believing they were bad bandits, he sneaked out his pistol and fired. Lofty collapsed. The others supported him as they all fled for their lives.

Rita glared at Iain.

"You hit one of them!"

"They were bandits! Look Rita, I'm a wanted man and I'm desperate."

Rita sulked all the way over the border.

"Just a flesh wound and it's your left arm. You'll soon be fine to come out banditing with us again but you'd better stay in the cottage for the next few days and look after Lily", said Sneaky kindly.

Lofty felt he'd let his team down badly.

Queen Constance came back from the Demonic Market in a good mood. She'd found many nice little trinkets but none as lovely as the poison she'd bought. She went down to her vaults, having told everybody that she was not to be disturbed on pain of death. Then she carefully mixed the poison as instructed, poured it into a phial and then into a tasty-looking red apple that she'd spirited from her cauldron.

"This time Lily White's doomed" she sniggered. The next bit wasn't so pleasant – she had to make herself look like a wizened old hag and needed to drink a potion herself for that trick. Her guts griped painfully for a few moments, then everything settled, there was a flash and a bang and an old hag looked out at her from the mirror. (Every room in the Palace had a mirror, even the privies. It was one of the Queen's little quirks.)

Ethan had set out but had been overpowered by a heavy fall of snow. He'd collapsed in a snowdrift and as he blacked out through sheer exhaustion, having been walking steadily through the night, he wondered if he'd die. He thought of Sophie and felt a pang of deep regret.

When he came to, he found he was in a gypsy camp. Two pretty girls ran over to him.

"Welcome, friend! Our big brother Carlos was out walking and found you. You can stay with us as long as you wish."

"Am I well away from Passionara?" asked Ethan.

One of the girls shook her fist.

"You are indeed. We hate Passionara with all our hearts because of the way our ancestor was treated by the Prince's father. Now you shall stay with us for as long as you wish! I am Cara and this is Dara. Put that blanket around yourself and come over to the campfire. We have food and drink and soon we shall sing for you, our honoured guest."

"I'm really grateful" Ethan smiled. He knew he had to stop thinking of Sophie. That part of his life was over.

Prince Dylan studied the guidebook.

"We should be at Morcara by tomorrow. It looks a bit grim but at least we can say we visited."

Princess Robyn looked at the guidebook and pulled a face. It didn't look as if it were a place for funfairs and festivals.

Oh well, if Prince Dylan wanted to look around, who was she to argue? She stroked Dervla's head and enjoyed the warmth of the fire she and the Prince had built between them. It was fun being a tourist, she thought, even if she and the Prince had needed to make their own campfire.

Over the other side of the world, Elle was furious. She glared at the young man who had sent a distress signal out to her, having been marooned on this frightening island by Pirates.

"So, Mr Denham" she said crossly, "You wish to know how to get off this accursed island?"

Abs Denham nodded politely.

"You walk by the crystal cave. Got that?"

Abs nodded earnestly.

"Past the crystal cave you'll see the lush green forest. Clear so far?"

More nods.

"You'll go through the lush green forest. And then you'll come out by the beach of silver sands. Right?"

"Right."

Elle bawled at him:

"And then you cross the bridge to the bl**dy mainland like everybody else, you moron!"

She was furious. Lily White in danger. Ethan in danger. Sophie in danger of a loveless marriage. And here she was on an island with a fool. She seized Honey's collar roughly and they rose.

"You'll choke me doing that one of these days" grumbled Honey.


	10. Chapter 10

HONEY TEN

A/N: Thanks for the reviews!

Sophie felt weary. She knew she'd have to dress for the banquet in her honour soon, but felt as if she just wanted to sleep and hope that when she awoke things would be as they were before the grand ball. The one that ended in her ruining her own life. Why didn't she see it before? She didn't want wealth or beautiful dresses, she didn't even mind a lot of housework as long as she could go back to the times when Ethan was in her life. More than anything, she wanted to call off this wedding. But she knew how dangerous Prince Caleb could be and knew that such an act would end with her being imprisoned at the very least. No, she'd have to carry on living a lie.

Neither Iain nor Rita were feeling very happy at that moment. Safely across the border and well on the way to Passionara, they were at an inn. During dinner, which would have been very nice if only they'd been in better moods, Iain became friendly with the landlord of the inn they'd chosen to stay in. Iain had asked almost sneeringly if the landlord had ever heard of bandits who had stolen from the rich and given to the poor.

"Since Robin what's-his-name, I mean?" he added.

The innkeeper had smiled.

"I do, mate! There's seven of 'em living near the border. They steal and then convert it to cash and do an anonymous drop outside schoolhouses and churches. Queen Constance wants their heads on a plate but the peasants love 'em."

Rita had got up quickly.

"I'm not hungry. And I want to go back to Granny tomorrow."

"Rita, if you go on your own, anything could get you! There could be a new killer wolf or one of those three tame pigs people talk about could have turned psychopathic by now."

"Like you then! You injured somebody who was doing good for the community, Iain Dean!"

"Look, if I take you back, I'll be captured and hanged. And you can't go on your own. And if you last out, Prince Caleb's getting married in three days' time. There's going to be feasting and dancing in the streets and a funfair with a roundabout!"

Rita wavered. She loved funfairs.

"Promise me you'll never use that gun again."

"Oh, I'll chuck it out if it upsets you that much. Just don't leave me."

Rita gave in.

"All right then. I think I could eat a little now. Especially if there's pudding."

While the good gypsy girls were looking after Ethan, the bad one was up to her tricks. She knew Max would expect her to make an appearance at Prince Caleb's wedding and that he would do his best to talk her out of it. Let the past go, he'd say. Well, no. Once a lady's been seduced and abandoned by the man she loved, and had a baby scare as well, she's not likely to forgive and forget. So she sat in the bushes that day waiting for Max, and when he came ambling down the path, singing the current favourite romantic song about Sophie and the Prince, she waved her pretty little golden-tanned arm. Max went over to her.

"My brave Captain! What do you have for me today?"

"Wine and cheese. Two nice pears. Lovely fresh carrots that are so sweet you can nibble them raw. All stolen from Prince Caleb's kitchens!"

"I want to share some wine with you today. But I think I'll give you your reward first."

She grabbed Max and began to kiss and stroke him, and then with great sleight-of-hand, slipped the sleeping draught into the wine bottle. She'd have to make do with water from the stream herself; it was no good two of them being knocked out for almost a day.

"I don't have any glasses today. I had to be more cautious; Prince Caleb called the food inspector in because the Royal Wedding's so close."

Zoe growled inwardly. Royal Wedding, ha! There'd be a very short Royal Wedding if she had her way.

"Never mind, darling. You drink first; I shan't mind if it's you."

Max drank. And gave a little moan, collapsed, rolled over and went to sleep. Zoe made him comfortable with her cloak draped over him, dragged him to a warm little hollow where he could sleep comfortably, kissed him and hurried off. It was almost three days to get to Passionara and she had to be there by Friday. Suddenly something hard hit her leg. Oh, could today get any better? The very thing she needed just dropping into her clutches like the granting of a spell!

"I'm glad you flung that gun away" Rita purred, hugging Iain.

"Anything for my Queen of the Forest" replied Iain who was feeling romantic. They hurried on their way.

When Max awoke it was very cold and very dark. And Zoe was very long gone. He gave a groan. The wretched girl had almost certainly gone to get herself into big trouble, and he'd very likely be toast as well. He searched the forest frantically but found nothing. He resigned himself to making for Passionara and hoping he could stop her plan to speak out after all.

High in a tree above him, Zoe shed a little tear for her nice Captain. She couldn't let him interfere with her revenge but if she kept well apart from him, he might not be implicated in her plot.

Next evening, Ethan applauded the dancing with a smile on his face and a pain in his soul. He had found kind friends here but they'd never replace the woman he loved.

"Now we have a lovely surprise for you!" Cara and Dara told him enthusiastically, "Madame Samantha will tell your fortune!"

Madame Samantha was young and quite pretty, and she smiled as she took Ethan's hand and read his palm. She suddenly went pale and said:

"I need to see my crystal ball."

Dara ran into Madame Samantha's caravan and retrieved the ball. Two of the kittens who lived around the camp had been playing with it and they mewed in temper as it was taken away from them.

Madame Samantha looked hard into the crystal ball.

"I see a pale young woman who is waiting for her wedding. She is not happy. I see a smug young prince. I see… I see an angry young woman who is out to harm the bride! I see… I see…"

"What?" gasped Ethan, his face pale.

"Nothing! It's gone all cloudy. I'll whack those kittens one day!" grizzled Madame Samantha.

But Ethan was already on his feet, saying:

"I'll always be grateful for your hospitality but I have to get back to Passionara and warn Sophie!"

"Please, your life will be in danger" begged Cara. But they knew Ethan had to go and follow his destiny. He loved this Sophie and they knew he would risk all to save her. They told him of the quickest way and one of the men said he'd drive Ethan as far as the Passionara edge of the Horrible Forest. He kissed the girls, thanked them for their hospitality and hurried away with the man as they wept miserably.

"I knew that Zoe was going to crack one day" sighed Dara.

Lofty was helping Lily White bake a pie. He'd peeled the apples with his good hand.

"Dear Lofty, you are so kind" Lily told him. He smiled at her, and as he worked, shyly told her about Dylan.

"I hope you meet him again" she said kindly.

Then they heard a faint tapping at the door.

"I'll go" he said.

"Ah, look, it's only an old lady" Lily smiled. She opened the door. Lofty put his hands protectively on her shoulders; there was something about the old lady's eyes that he didn't trust.

"Hello, my dear. Do you have a glass of milk for an old lady?" she whined.

"I'll get it. Lily, love, you stay indoors" Lofty said. Lily was a little rattled by his attitude.

"Why are you being so heartless?" she snapped at him.

Lofty went to get the milk and the old lady snatched it from him rudely. Lily just put this down to Lofty having hurt her feelings.

"Now, my dear, a reward for you. Here is a lovely magic apple. You take a bite out of it and you will see the face of the man you are going to marry" she wheedled.

"Don't, Lily!" Lofty begged.

"Please don't tell me what to do, Benjamin!" said Lily haughtily. She was about to bite the apple when Lofty, despairingly, grabbed it from her and said desperately:

"You have to _see._ "

He took the tiniest bite – and fell dead at Lily's feet.


	11. Chapter 11

HONEY ELEVEN

A/N: Sweeet-as-Honey: I think this new version works a bit better than the original one that we shared by e mail. More characters to play with, for a start. Thanks for the review!

"Oh, Ben, please forgive me!" wept Lily. Then she was on her guard as Queen Constance, changing back from her disguise and spitefully kicking Lofty's body in pure temper, was on her like a Ninja. Lily was determined not to die without a fight, and kicked and scratched, making Queen Constance scream in pain as she grabbed her hair and pulled hard.

"Well, we're out of the forest at last. Look, do you think that nice little cottage over there serves food?" asked the coachman.

Princess Robyn was eager to move on to Passionara and see the funfair so she started to say "I'm not hungry" when, being a nice Princess, she realised that being kind to servants was important.

"What about you, Prince Dylan?"

"A rest would be nice. Maybe we could get some water for Dervla."

"All right then, breakfast first and then on to Passionara!" grinned Robyn.

It suddenly occurred to them that there was a lot of shouting and screaming coming from the cottage garden.

"If you're wrong about your premonition and we lose a whole day's banditing, Lightfoot, I'll scalp you!" declared Snatchy.

"The vote was to investigate Lightfoot's misgivings" Grabby told him. They turned back for home again. They could always do some late-shift thieving.

Prince Dylan strode into the garden and said sharply:

"Ladies, get a grip please!"

He didn't want to hurt a couple of women but his hand went to his sword, just in case he needed to scare them into calming down.

Queen Constance saw something else that made her smirk with cruel pleasure. Dervla was running towards the apple. Lily screamed:

"Please don't let your dog eat that!" and carried on bi*tch-slapping Constance. Dylan speared the apple with his sword and flung it over the wall, far into the forest. It fell into the Pool of Oblivion and sank without a trace. Queen Constance screeched in frustration.

The coachman restrained Queen Constance; Dylan restrained Lily. Then he saw what - or who -was actually lying at his feet.

"No!" he cried heartrendingly.

And then the bandits returned.

Ben had been carried into the bedroom. The bandits had overcome Queen Constance and she was sitting in fury on the garden bench, bound and gagged. Prince Dylan sat on the other bench, his face like that of a cold statue. Princess Robyn stroked his hand.

"Right. She killed Lofty and she tried to kill Lily – twice! - and she could have poisoned that nice dog" Sneaky said, "Princess Lily White, you choose her sentence. Do we hang her, behead her or burn her at the stake?"

"Neither."

Lily's voice was cold.

"Queen Constance of Morcara, for crimes against the people, for the murder of Benjamin our friend, and for an earlier attempt on my life, I sentence you to life imprisonment… in a room with windows that show no reflection… a room with no mirrors."

From the agonized muffled screams coming from under the gag, it was obvious that the punishment was the most harsh one Lily could have devised. The bandits decided she wasn't to be messed with.

Dylan stood up and said quietly:

"Do you mind if I go into the cottage to pay my respects? The thing is… I met him once, and – well, to be honest, I fell in love with him. And to find him like this…"

Snatchy gave him a man hug.

"You take as long as you need, mate."

Dylan went into the bedroom. Lofty could have been sleeping apart from the pallor of his skin. Dylan leaned over and kissed his lips.

"We could have been so happy; I know it."

To his shock, Lofty's eyes opened. He gave a little moan and sat up slowly. Then he smiled.

"You!"

"Do they spell it 'Benjymin' or 'Benjamin'?" asked Sneaky, who had never been to school, having had a hard life. He was writing out the instructions for Lofty's headstone. Suddenly, Dylan came hurrying out of the bedroom.

"Cancel the headstone!" he whooped, and, going back into the bedroom, came back out hand-in-hand with Lofty. Elle and Honey made it back at that very moment and sat on a cloud above the garden.

"It's a very nasty little potion she put in that apple. It gives the appearance of death but in reality the victim's buried alive. That's what she wanted for Lily. She knew about the get-out clause with the awakening with True Love's kiss but she thought poor Lily would be six foot under before that ever happened."

"So what's your name?" Lofty asked Dylan.

"Prince Dylan of Cardiff."

Lofty gasped and went down on his knees, as did the bandits.

"Oh get up you set of fools" grumbled Dylan.

Robyn sighed as Dylan and Lofty hugged and kissed again. It was lovely, really lovely, that they were together, but where was her romance?

"Sorry to interrupt here. I've got a warrant here to arrest the seven bandits of Morcara and take them to Grimoire Square to be hanged."

David Hide stood there with his crossbow at the ready.

"You will do no such thing, seeing as one of these bandits is my future husband" Dylan ordered.

"He can go free then. The rest of them-"

"If they hang, I hang with them" said Lofty calmly.

"Oh please spare them!" begged Princess Robyn, and David looked at her for the first time.

David's heart melted; his knees went weak. But an order from the dreadful Queen Constance had to be obeyed. Suddenly he noticed that the said Queen was trussed up and gibbering on a bench.

Lily White stepped forward.

"Princess Lily White, could you explain?" David asked helplessly.

"Queen Constance is sentenced to life imprisonment for her attempts to slay me. Therefore" Lily lifted her head proudly, "I am now the ruler of Morcara. These men are henceforth pardoned. I shall find them employment at the palace – except for Benjamin, who will shortly be Prince of Cardiff."

Lily realised with a little pang in her heart that she was the one who was alone. Well, she would accept her Royal duties and forget love instead.

David rather spitefully jabbed his crossbow into Constance's back.

"Get moving, Madam."

"Oh, we'll find you a nice black carriage to take her back in" Lily said, "And you shall receive a promotion to Chief Forester, Master Hide. That will come with an increase in salary of course."

David bowed and Robyn thought how lovely he was.

And just as it seemed like puppies and rainbows all round, there was a whinnying sound from a horse that stopped close to the cottage. King Brian of Cardiff, his face like thunder, stood glaring at Dylan.

"So a son of mine turns out to be - I can't even say the word! Guards, arrest the man my son's holding. He'll be beheaded as a nice little entertainment for us all – after a night of torture in the cells back home."

The guards grabbed Lofty, who resigned himself to his bad luck.

But Dylan ran at King Brian, sword drawn.

"No! I'll fight for his life here and now!"

"Bring it on. I'll have no regrets about skewering you, you little –"

"Do something, do something!" wailed Honey as sword clashed on sword and Brian and Dylan fought.


	12. Chapter 12

HONEY TWELVE

A/N: Sorry for the lack of Cal/Ethan/Zax in the previous episode. They'll certainly have their share of action in the next few chapters.

Elle smiled at Honey and passed her the wand.

"It's your big moment, Trainee. Handle this!"

Honey didn't know any spells but she did her best. She waved the wand and chanted:

"Willy Wally Woolly Whobic,

Be no longer homophobic!"

Elle rolled her eyes.

"That's the last time I let a trainee-"

But King Brian had dropped his sword and Dylan, startled, did the same. King Brian embraced Dylan and motioned to Lofty:

"Come here, lad."

He pulled Lofty into the hug.

"So it's this little rascal you want, is it, Dilly? Well, you'll hear no arguments from me!"

"But aren't you upset about an heir to the throne?" Dylan asked nervously.

"Don't fret. Your baby sister Rihanna could be the answer to all that. We'll just take things as they come for now… and phase our Rihanna in within the next sixteen years!"

He beamed genially at the others.

"Right, looks like you've got somebody to take off in a black coach so me and my boys here will move on to a nice inn. As for the rest of you, you're all invited to Prince Caleb's wedding as my guests. Once you've got the wrong 'un locked up, of course."

Princess Robyn beamed. A romance with the chief forester and a wedding and funfair! Unlike some Princesses, Robyn was content with simple pleasures.

The bandits grinned at each other. New jobs and no more fears of being strung up or shot at by extra-vigilant Captains. And one of their boys about to be a Prince!

Only Lily felt pain, then sighed. She would concentrate on making things up to the people. And she was looking forward to the wedding in Passionara.

Honey began to sing "Ding dong the Queen's in jail" but it didn't have the same ring to it at all.

Meanwhile, tired and unhappy, Ethan continued to walk towards Passionara. He wanted to give up and find a warm inn for a couple of nights. But every moment's delay meant he might be too late to save Sophie from the unknown danger she was in.

He hoped it wouldn't hurt too much when they hanged him afterwards.

At last the day Sophie had been dreading arrived. She was almost like an automaton as the bridesmaids dressed her in an overblown concoction of frills and sequins. She thought longingly of Ethan and hoped he was somewhere safe.

The Workhouse children were heartbroken. Mr Self had found all the lovely wooden toys Ethan had made for them so they could at least have something for Christmas. He'd destroyed the toys in front of the kids – his best moment was when he'd broken a little toy kitten in half and the little girl it was meant for had broken down sobbing. Added to that, Ethan was gone over the border and they wouldn't see him again. At least they hoped they wouldn't. They loved him but didn't want him to get killed. And now Mr Self had told them that they weren't going to even get a sniff of the lovely funfair that had been set up for the Royal Wedding. They'd be allowed to watch the procession passing through the city (It was important to Mr Self's interests that he was seen to be celebrating Prince Caleb's forthcoming nuptuals) but then would be hustled straight back into the hated Workhouse.

The cathedral in Passionara had never had such an impressive guest list. Princess Robyn from the Western Isles, and her fiancé the handsome chief forester of Morcara. King Brian of Cardiff and his son Prince Dylan, along with the newly-created Count Benjamin. ("You'll need a temporary title, lad, so people don't ask daft questions", King Brian had told him.) Their trained Lurcher, Dervla, who wore a frilly white ruff and was extremely serene and patient for a dog. The new ruler of Morcara, the beautiful Princess Lily White. Captain Max of the Passionaran Guard in his ceremonial uniform, looking just a little concerned about something. The guests wondered if it could be the pardoned Bandits of Morcara that worried Max, but King Brian assured them heartily that they were 'good lads now'. Alicia and Louise, their faces sour with jealousy, in the front pew as was their privilege as stepsisters of the bride. Over on the Bride's side, though purely to make both sides look more even, sat the newly-pardoned Captain Iain Dean, his pretty fiancée Rita, and Rita's Granny Tess who could hardly contain her excitement at being in such a splendid place. Jez the Trickster could be seen in the Gardens outside setting up his usual overpriced, trashy wares. Also in the bushes in the same garden crouched a vengeful girl with a pistol.

Prince Caleb stood at the altar, looking handsome in his pale gold suit and deeper gold sash. He grinned arrogantly, knowing he had to be the best-looking man at the wedding. Though, that title could have gone to the quiet young man who had slipped in almost unnoticed at the back.

Sophie braced herself. In a short while there would be no turning back. She lifted her chin proudly and began to descend from the coach that had brought her to the Cathedral as the music played. With a pale face, she came to stand beside Prince Caleb in front of the Archbishop of Passionara.

"Dearly beloved" intoned the Archbishop in time-honoured fashion, "We are gathered here to witness the joining-"

And, to everybody's horror, a voice shattered the peaceful atmosphere.

"I too have a present for the bride!"

Max's face drained of colour as Zoe walked towards the altar, the gun in her hand aimed straight at Sophie's back, in line with her heart. Max dared not give the order to fire in case the guards hit Sophie and he was determined not to harm Zoe if he had the tiniest chance of getting her out of this alive. There was no question of any of the weapons hitting Prince Caleb. He'd given an almost feminine scream of fear and dived behind one of the pews for his own safety.

It was Ethan who calmly stepped forward and stood protectively between Sophie and Zoe. Sophie had bravely turned to face Zoe; if she was going to die she didn't want to be shot in the back.

"Get out of my way or I'll blow your heart out" Zoe told Ethan. He held up his hands for reconciliation but stood his ground. Tears ran down Sophie's face as she realised how much he loved her, how much she loved him, and how easily she could lose him.


	13. Chapter 13

HONEY THIRTEEN

A/N: Thanks for the reviews. Guest, this chapter will explain why Zoe wants to kill Sophie.

"Just tell me why you want to hurt Sophie" Ethan said calmly, though his heart was hammering and his legs felt weak, and his inner voice was whining to Zoe not to hurt him.

"Because HE loves her. And he didn't care when he sweet-talked me into lying with him and then just told me to disappear afterwards. I thought I was having his child at one time!"

Alicia and Louise were horrified. They could so easily have married this beast of a Prince – what a narrow escape! They were also more than a little concerned for Sophie and Ethan.

"You're wrong" Ethan said gently, "He doesn't love her. He only loves himself. So if you kill Sophie, you'll break a lot of hearts, but not his."

Zoe looked round like a trapped animal. Max could have wept for her.

"It's too late for me anyway. They'll string me up just for getting this far. I may as well finish things."

"If you stop now, they'll not hurt you, will they, your Highness?" Ethan asked Prince Caleb who replied in a shaking voice:

"No… if she stops now she'll be set free."

Ethan didn't move. Zoe pressed the muzzle of the gun against his chest.

"I _will_ kill you if you don't move."

"Then you'll have to kill me. I love Sophie and you'll have to put a bullet through my heart before I move."

Zoe's lips tightened and she pressed the gun harder into Ethan's body. Her finger went toward the trigger. Then she dropped the gun, weeping. Max hurried over and carried it away. Ethan held the sobbing Zoe saying gently:

"It's all right now. Sssh. It's all right."

Annoyed at all the attention this peasant was getting, Prince Caleb said nastily:

"Take that nasty little gypsy outside and string her up."

"Your Highness, you promised!" Ethan gasped.

"Bad career move, Highness" whispered Sir Charles Fairhead, "If you have her hanged now you'll be hated."

"Oh, very well. She can go free."

Captain Max stood before the Prince, who had now crept out of the safety of the pew to stand beside Sophie.

"Highness, may I volunteer to look after the gypsy girl? I think I can help her back on the right path."

"Have her; she's yours" sulked Cal. Then he grinned nastily as he recognized Ethan properly.

"Hey, didn't I promise to hang you if you ever returned here?"

"You did" replied Ethan with dignity.

"Very, VERY bad career move, Highness" said Sir Charles.

"Oh very well, peasant. You're pardoned. You can take up your old job if you like."

"And?" Sir Charles prompted.

"Oh, all right. Give him a nice big piece of jewellery or something. A watch; would he like a watch?"

"No thank you, Highness. I will just leave you and Sophie with my blessing."

Ethan turned to go. Suddenly it was too much for Sophie to bear.

"Ethan! Don't leave! It's you I love!"

Ethan turned and Sophie ran to him, taking his face in hers, kissing him.

"Don't mind me" said the suddenly jilted bridegroom petulantly, "I'll get a new bride. A brighter, shinier one!"

Ethan knelt to Sophie.

"Sophie, darling, I can only offer you my heart. I'll work for you for as long as I can, and I swear I'll keep you warm, safe and happy. But I have nothing to offer you, being found as I was with just a little blue blanket to my name, on the steps of the Workhouse."

"Of course I'll marry you" Sophie smiled, raising him to his feet.

It was at this precise moment that Elle and Honey flew quietly into the Cathedral. Nobody noticed them.

Sir Charles's eyes shone like beacons.

"On the contrary, you have everything to offer her – what's your full name?"

"Ethan George James Alexander Hardy."

"You have everything to offer her, Prince Ethan George James Alexander of Passionara! My people - behold your lost Prince!"

There was consternation in the Cathedral. The Archbishop of Passionara hoped all this would mean that he could have the afternoon off.

Prince Caleb suddenly felt ignored.

He strode over to Ethan.

"Do you have a strawberry shaped birthmark on your bum?" he asked.

"No" admitted Ethan.

"Neither did he! My baby brother!"

Prince Caleb pulled Ethan into a bear hug.

"The wedding's off" he said to the guests, "You'll have to go to an inn or something instead."

"Can't she just marry your brother now?" asked the outspoken Prince Dylan.

"No. Because he's my little brother so he can't get married before I do. And I don't have anybody. I shall have to go through that tiresome ball thing all over again."

Princess Lily White felt strange. She didn't like Prince Caleb's behaviour. But there was something about him that was making her feel very romantic indeed.

Then it happened. A flash of lightning and the whole Cathedral plunged into darkness. And just as suddenly the light returned. The demon Meyer stood there glaring at everybody. David hugged Princess Robyn. Dylan and Lofty hugged each other. Iain hugged Rita. Honey almost hoped Ele would hug her, but Elle was on alert with her wand ready.

"You were supposed to die!" Meyer screamed at Ethan, "Zoe was supposed to have shot you to death. Sophie was supposed to go insane with grief. Prince Caleb was supposed to find out you were his brother when it was all too late.

"Get out" said the Archbishop sharply, "Can't have riff-raff like you in a Cathedral."

Meyer made a sign but Elle was quicker with her wand. Meyer exploded with a bang. And Prince Caleb was sitting on the floor holding his head and saying like a confused little boy:

"What's happened?"

He looked up. All the slyness and mean spirited attitude that he'd had since he was five years old vanished.

The spell Meyer had put upon him was finally broken.

Prince Caleb smiled shyly:

"Have I been a lot of trouble since I was enchanted?"

Princess Lily White walked over to him and took his hand.

"You have probably not been nice but enchantment excuses bad behaviour."

Prince Caleb kissed her hand. Maybe he might just not need to go through holding a ball again.


	14. Chapter 14

HONEY FOURTEEN

The guests all went off to an inn, and Elle paid the bill, not wanting any of them to lose out financially.

As for Sophie, Ethan, Cal and Lily White, they had much to discuss about the following day, when there were several things that needed to be done.

Alicia and Louise, having turned over a new leaf at seeing Ethan's courage, decided, rather than fleeing Passionara while they had the chance, that they would give themselves up. They knocked nervously on the door of the Palace and Big Mac let them in. He took them straight to the Princes, who had reluctantly sent their future Princesses to go and choose the wedding dresses they wanted, accompanied by two female servants who had an eye for fashion and good taste.

Alicia and Louise knelt at Prince Ethan's feet.

"We wish to apologise for the treatment of your future bride, and of course, yourself. Would our behaviour carry a death-sentence?"

Ethan laughed.

"Well, you weren't very nice to us but you did give us food and a roof over our heads. So as a matter of fact I want to reward you. I'm sure you ladies are still looking for a husband?"

They nodded eagerly.

"Then I am delighted to tell you that I have such a husband for both of you. He has embraced the Mormon religion and as such may have two wives. He holds a high court position. Will you ladies accept him?"

They wondered if it could be Sir Charles. Both nodded eagerly.

"Oh, Baron Garcia!" called Ethan.

To their horror, Noel appeared. He wore a bright purple suit and shocking pink shirt. Being elevated from a farmer to a Baron hadn't improved his dress sense.

"Ladies! Delighted to meet you! Would you like to be married tomorrow?"

"Um… we'd like a long engagement please" said Alicia.

"May we go? We'd rather like to lie down after yesterday's excitement" quavered Louise.

"Dismissed. I shall send the Baron around to arrange a private dinner with you both" Ethan said graciously.

After Alicia and Louise had fled, the two Princes fell into each other's arms laughing, while Noel fell off the chaise-longue in his mirth.

"When shall we tell the poor things that I'm already married and that I'm not a Mormon?" he gurgled.

"When I've dealt with the two other issues" Ethan said, a little grimly.

Jez the Trickster was sitting in his workshop, his eyes bright with dreams of money. All the 'Welcome Back Prince Ethan' and 'Glad you're Yourself Again, Prince Caleb' souvenirs he could sell! He would be so rich. Of course that nice little Sophie wouldn't be buying anything again but maybe she could wheedle her husband into buying some stock from Jez's stalls for her.

Suddenly there was a sharp rap on the door.

Captain Max, his face straight, stood there.

"Open up for his Royal Highness Prince Ethan!" he snapped, then lurked by the door to hear Jez's reaction as the young prince walked in.

"As A Prince, I am displeased with the way you have been gaining money from my people by selling shoddy goods" he snapped, "From now on, every item you sell will be assessed and valued. You will charge a fair price for any and every item that you sell. The alternative is a custodial sentence and your stall being permanently closed. Do you accept?"

Jez nodded, whimpering.

Ethan grinned. Two down, one to go. And this one he would really enjoy.

Guy Self had decided to thoroughly ruin the Workhouse Children's afternoon the previous day by banning them from even being in the streets on the day of Prince Caleb's wedding, so he didn't know that not only was it a non-wedding but that the Prince's younger brother had been found. He also didn't know about the huge change in Prince Caleb. He spitefully sent the children on a walk through the town square the next day as it was freezing. As the brats – so he thought of them – shivered their way through the streets, he was enraged to see Ethan Hardy leaning against a wall. Then his rage was drowned by a burst of glee. Hardy was a fugitive! Oh, he couldn't wait to call the guards.

Suddenly the stallholder who supplied Self with the belts that he used on the children shouted across:

"Amazing news about the Prince, isn't it?"

Guy just nodded vaguely but one little boy shouted:

"What's happened?"

"The missing Prince has been round and you'll never guess-"

Self groaned. They'd probably be too busy with that development to give Hardy his punishment right now. Oh well, he'd have longer to rot in jail and dread his coming death.

"Right, you, don't move!" he bawled at Ethan, "I'm fetching the guards."

"The missing Prince has been found" Ethan replied casually.

"Oh. What's he like, then?"

"Five foot eight or thereabouts. Blond hair. Wearing a red peasant shirt and trousers, and black boots-"

The children looked at each other and hoped against hope.

Self grabbed Ethan by the collar.

"Don't get smart with me!"

"How dare you lay hands on my brother, Prince Ethan?"

Prince Caleb strode over to the unfortunate Self, who gasped in shock and hastily let Ethan go.

Self fell to his knees.

"I didn't know…" he babbled.

"And for that reason you will not be hanged. But for the crime of mistreating these little ones, you are sentenced to ten years in prison – and I'm being generous!"

"Good work" said Prince Caleb approvingly.

"Take him to the dungeons!" shouted Ethan to the guards.

The children wondered what would become of them as Self was dragged away.

"I'm sorry to inform you children that the Workhouse is to be closed down with immediate effect" Prince Ethan said.

"W-will we be on the streets, Your Highness?" asked a frightened boy.

"You will not. You will be living in the Palace. You'll have warm rooms to sleep in, warm clothes to wear, and you will no longer work."

"But how will we earn our keep?" said the little girl whose toy kitten had been broken.

"You don't earn your keep at your age. But, after a well-deserved holiday, you will be going to school. But I think you'll like that. They have a new teacher there, don't they, Captain Max?"

Max, beaming with pride, said:

"Yes, you'll be learning about mythology and folklore from a real gypsy lady!"

Ethan took the little girl with the broken kitten in his arms.

"And guess what they have in the Palace stables? Real cats and kittens! You'll have a kitten of your own to cuddle this afternoon!"

Prince Caleb was cuddling as many of the children as he could, and decided that he liked it.

"But for now" he said, "It's a hot lunch for all of you. And, in the afternoon, the funfair!"

"Did I hear funfair?" Princess Robyn asked, as she walked across the square on Chief Forester Hide's arm.

"Princess, do you and our brave forester fancy looking after some very excited children at the fair this afternoon?"

"Oh, we do!"

The next evening a Grand Ball was held in the Palace to celebrate the return of the missing Prince. To Honey's joy, Elle had decided they should both attend. Honey beamed at the sight of Prince Ethan and the new Countess Sophie arm-in-arm together. Over in the corner, Zoe was looking in delight round the huge ballroom. It was a far cry from the forest where she used to live. She hoped Captain Max knew how to dance, because she hadn't a clue. Or maybe they could just… sit it out and do other things.

Prince Dylan longed to dance with his Ben, but knew that it might offend some of the guests. It didn't matter; he and Ben had exchanged rings that afternoon in their own private ceremony of love. Princess Lily White waltzed with Prince Caleb, feeling relaxed and happy after the horrors she'd recently been through. Captain Iain and his fiancée, pretty Rita, filled a plate from the buffet and carried it skillfully through the dancers to where Granny was sitting. Granny's wise old eyes were shining with happiness. Chief Forester Hide was stealing a crafty kiss from Princess Robyn, but the remaining six bandits had given up stealing for good and were enjoying the sights and sounds of the ball.

Just then, a tall, dark handsome young man walked over to Honey.

"May I have this dance, beautiful lady?"

Honey held out her hand to him…

… And awoke at the counter of her coffee station with a queue of ten angry people facing her.

THE END


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